The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”
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A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
real
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
guy: [stands up at front of plane]
me: “please don’t be overbooked”
guy: [pulls gun] “this plane is now under my control”
me: “oh thank god”
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.
People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .