REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
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My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
Old Macdonald had a really bad scrabble hand……
E – I – E – I – O…..
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!