My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
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Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.