My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
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Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget