Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
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*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
*reads your mind*
*decides to wait for the movie*
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
If I worked in a tollbooth, every time someone asked me how my day was going I’d say “IT’S REALLY TAKING A TOLL” and then laugh maniacally.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Exits public bathroom stall
Makes eye contact with the person next in line
Mouths: “I’m so sorry”
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.