Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
You Might Also Like
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
when you burst out your jeans
and then eat human beings
you’re a werewolf
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Pro Tip: I’m not a pro. Don’t listen to my tips.
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
“I can’t hear you because my eyes are closed.”
– my kid, showing off my exemplary homeschool skills