Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
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“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
I don’t own any guns, so I use a bat for home defense. If I die, at least my intruder will die from rabies.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Guess who’s going to finally get their shit together in 2022?
Not me. But God speed, whoever you are.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
When you’ve simply given up.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.