Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
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I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
next question.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
When I laugh on my period
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Sometimes I look at my 13yo daughter and marvel at how smart she is, how beautiful she’s getting, and how the hell she wakes up after sleeping for 10 hours without having to immediately run to the bathroom and pee.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”