ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
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Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Goat cheese is for herders.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
luke: *tips hat* waterwalker
jesus: *tips hat* skywalker
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD