This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
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@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
ME: Okay, going out of town for 4 days, so I need 4 days of clothes.
MY BRAIN: Cool, cool cool cool… What if you actually need every shirt you’ve ever owned tho?
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
although you definitely do get used to it after a while, the most annoying thing about being 5’11 is that when you’re out in public, you constantly overhear people saying “holy shit, that’s the tallest person i’ve ever seen in my life”
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.