*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
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Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Men’s jeans: We have 1000 sizes. What is your waist? What is your height? Where are your hips?
Women’s jeans: We have two sizes, Chickpea and Sycamore