*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
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* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
oh ffs josh did you not read the email
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
If I was a sniper, I’d probably spend most of my time looking for cats and making them chase my rifle laser pointer from 2 miles away.
Ways to contact strangers, from least to most creepy:
1) Text
2) Call
3) Doorbell
4) Urinal Convo
5) Backseat popup
6) Under bed ankle grab
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.