Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
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I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
On Fridays, I always dress for what the weather is going to be at 3am when I drunkenly lock myself out of my apartment.
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
*bites your top lip*
Ish shish shexy?
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right