Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
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CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.