Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
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If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Today I became an Australian citizen and I got bitten by a spider. Unlikely coincidence IMHO. 🇦🇺
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Where is your GOD now????
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.