A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
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ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
MASSEUSE: I’m sensing a lot of stress
ME: [thinking about my car full of bees] Work
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
You hear the words “gamer girl bath water” and suddenly you all know what a bath is
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Blessed are the teens who leave the kitchen cleaner than they found it.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son: