ME: i trained my cat to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: name an object pronoun
CAT: me-
ME: what do u I say when I’m hurt
CAT: -ow
HER: this sucks
ME: patience
CAT: we’re just getting started, Linda
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There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
R.I.P.
Has someone told the whales that they can’t sing for shit?
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.