Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
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Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: “Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner”
*centipede walks in*
“You’ve got to be kiddin me”
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*