6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
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Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.