According to most health insurance companies, teeth are luxury bones that I must pay more to continue enjoying
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Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
You can initiate peekaboo with the toddler in the next booth, but are you prepared to continue it throughout dinner? I didn’t think so.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Him: I’m feeling under the weather.
DATING: I’m so sorry. That stinks.
ENGAGED: I will nurse you back to health with chicken soup and cuddles.
MARRIED: *sprays him with lysol*
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
“are you drunk?”
– everyone’s response when i send a nice text
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”