THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
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What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
Liquor Store Parking
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
(2022)
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
“Trust your gut” ok first of all my gut wants pizza 24 hours a day
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate