During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
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There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!