I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
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Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
Yes, this is exactly right
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Find yourself a person who…NO. Scratch that.
Find yourself some cake.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”