If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
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Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I was supposed to be taller, but I made it up with width for the sake of Geometry.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
No more emails. If you want something from me you must approach me slowly and calmly with a piece of apple or carrot in your palm with your fingers flat and extended so I do not bite them
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
Challenge accepted.