“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
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in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Did my cat write this
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot