channeling her this year
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My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
A gathering of crows is called a murder.
A gathering of eagles is called a convocation.
A gathering of old girlfriends is called a mistake,
…a terrible, terrible mistake.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
So, can we agree on 4 or
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?