When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
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Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.