Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
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I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I wake up every morning with a ball of frozen cookie dough in my mouth. I love it. I’m not even sure who puts it there. The only person who it could be is my roommate Darren (who does buy cookie dough often, but I can’t see it being him)
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
ME: i joined CrossFit
PRIEST: again, kind of weird but not a sin
Y’all know who you are.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed