My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
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Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Health Tip: If you add a raisin to your 1-pound bag of M&M’s it becomes Trail Mix and you can eat the whole thing.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
I will never stop laughing at this
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.