How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
You Might Also Like
So this dude was installing adhesive for the carpet to go on and….he didn’t plan this very well. Lol
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
“I’m quitting Twitter forever!”
This isn’t Twitter International Airport. You don’t need to announce your departure.