you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
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In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
To all the 20 somethings waxing, shaving, plucking, nairing and lasering every surface of their bodies for date night, I’m here to let you know that once you’re married, your spouse will not let the fact that you could easily braid your toe stubble deter them from getting laid.
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
The smoothest fall of all time
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.