I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
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Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
Yelling out “Stranger Danger!” is a good way to say no when a cashier asks for your zip code.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.