‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
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FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
i actually laughed 😩
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.