my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
You Might Also Like
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Damn girl, are you a maple tree? Cause I would tap that, and you have an impressive root structure which is where this metaphor falls apart.
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
it’s the silliest best thing
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?