My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
You Might Also Like
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?
Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
[first date]
me: so, what’s your biggest fear?
her: snakes. i hate snakes
me: (whispering to the mongoose in my vest pocket): she’s the one
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.