If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
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A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
Pros and cons of doing something you love:
Pros: It’s something you love
Cons: Doing.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Everything is a big deal to kids, like the time a giant bird took my dad from the beach and dropped him way out in the water.
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.