My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
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And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
My middle school bus driver gave me a ziplock of venison and my mom cooked it and didn’t ask any questions. I think about it a lot.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
No chill.
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
Cop: do you know why I pulled u over?
Me: yeah, I was going like 120 back there
Cop:….
Me:..
Cop: sir, your tailamp is out
Me:…
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit