Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
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Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes