I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
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Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.