Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
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I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Must be nice to only have body issues once a year.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
just think, if you hadn’t had kids to tell you otherwise you might still be walking around thinking you were cool. lol how embarrassing would that be
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.