[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
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My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
My what?
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
me opening up to someone
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Seas the day!!!!
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise