“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
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HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
Welcome
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Does anyone know how to get to Sesame Street? Elmo owes me money.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.