For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
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1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
*bites zombie*
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
genie: please no
millipede: more legs