*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
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“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.