Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
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I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
inventing words: clothing
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?
ME: I don’t think that will fit me.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before