[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
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date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
I’m all “class”.
The first two letters really aren’t necessary.
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
no refunds
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
God: Done
Angel: you can’t be finished
God: I am
Angel: but that’s a hairless cat-
God: aaand send
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe