Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
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4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
Me: Happy Easter!
Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!
Me: The Jesus thing?
Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Me: What’s your favorite fruit?
Son #2: Tacos.
Me: No, I said fruit.
S2: You have my answer.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Not recommended for beginners.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive