My spirit animal just ran into a glass door.
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[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.