[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
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Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
…
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Him: we’re being attacked by a UFO
Me: are they human?
Him: no they’re-
Me [clenches fist]: then they are dancer
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.