How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
You Might Also Like
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.